my FUNeral
Writing by burn on Friday, 29 of July , 2005 at 4:12 am
him: so you are planning your own funeral?
me: yup
him: why?
me: why not?
him: well what do you have so far?
me: well….
when I die…..
please donate any needed organs
contact any old friends, and everyone on my online contact lists using a mass message feature
divide my shit up between JQ. mom and dad
let them beware that I have VERY FEW friends and those I do have are greedy bitches, don’t give to much of my shit to them… KEEP THIS IN MIND!!!
the people that handled my grandmothers viewing were amazing… let them do mine too
my funeral should be held at New Prospect Baptist church in Anderson SC.
the speaker should be Bill Parnell
fuck flowers… send money to a stem cell research non profit in my name (because I like that sort of thing 
if you play music at my funeral or wake … you should include “my life by Johnny cash” which can be found on American 4 when the man comes around track 8, and “let it be” by the beatles (mono version)
if you want to read something, read Clemens Vonnegut’s words to his mourners which is found in “palm Sunday” by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. the first entry in the religion chapter. please omit the last two paragraphs and afterwards explain my own religious beliefs which can be explained best by either Bill or JQ.
if you bury me:
there are two conditions here which if are not met I will raise from the dead and strangle you
1 buy me a fucking suit that fits!!!
2 don’t even think of burying me in Florida, I hate Florida… I don’t ever want to go back… not even in death.
the casket doesn’t really matter to me
cherry is nice
but it is expensive
pine is fine too
when putting me in the ground I would prefer a vault instead of a liner
only because I want the bottom of it to be open to the ground
i.e. I don’t care which you use as long as when I decompose I can go back into the earth
if you are going to cremate me
rent a casket for the viewing
when I am cremated do so in a canvas or press wood box
put my ashes in a stainless steel urn… because these look fucking sweet
keepsake urns are ok too I guess if you want one
although they are a bit odd
eventually you should put my ashes somewhere I guess… so spread them in front of my grandmother and grandfathers grave
my immediate family and anyone else who wishes to be there when this happens should be
I don’t care about excuses… my mother and father will be there.. unless one does not want to be.. if one cant be for some reason… reschedule
yeah it may be a pain in the ass… but so am I
let mom or JQ write the eulogy .. they are good at that shit
um…
I guess that’s about it
oh,
if anyone tries to bring a hooker to my funeral… shoot them
and at the viewing someone SHOULD pour out some liquor for his homie
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