they gave me candy and called me ‘the light’
Writing by burn on Sunday, 19 of August , 2007 at 4:53 pm
I decided to go home and take some aspirin…
That was my first mistake.
After taking a few aspirin I got online to check my email, I was greeted by Mike, Jonquils…. em… boyfriend-exboyfriend-guy-thing.
The conversation went as follows:
(Paraphrased)
Mike: dude who did you write this post in your blog about?
Me: I wrote it about (person who is not Jonquil…. but whom I will not name).
Mike: oh ok…. I just just curious if you wrote it about Jonquil, and if so who exactly it is that she is seeing.
Me: dude if you want to know about Jonquils relationships, you should ask the people she is having them with.
Mike: EXCUSE ME?
This is where things went downhill…
The last time I talked to Jonquil she had told me that she and Mike were broken up.
Mike obviously hadn’t got the news…. Or the hint… depending on who you believe.
She said that things just weren’t working out and they split up…. blah blah blah
He said they were fixing things but were still together… blah blah blah
I tend to believe Mike.
Because none of Jonquils ex’s that I have ever talked to, knew they were broken up until Jonquil was seeing someone else.
Either they are all really stupid…. Or they were being strung along. In all honesty…. It could go either way.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Mike is an innocent star struck lover, just waiting in hopes that his true love will return to him.
Mike is a dick.
Any man who would be engaged to someone for the sole purpose of using them and their money as a crutch instead of owning up to his own responsibilities is an outright ass… and frankly not worth my time…
Mike seems to be allot like
But eventually
There was nothing out of
Yet as we all know… absolute power corrupts absolutely. And through a series of mistakes
Throughout the conversation with mike, he kept saying things like “I’m going to torch all of her shit” and “I am so mad I could blow up the entire state of
Yet every strong word he threw around was transparent. You could see through his anger. You could see that in this situation he is weak…. You could see his realization that in this situation he has no upper hand…. There is nothing he can do.
Because he knows that you cannot retain what you love by force.
Mike told me that Jonquil was the only person he wanted. He said that he felt a love for her that could not be described in words… I could tell he was sincere.
Mike isn’t the first person to tell me that.
In fact I have had this exact conversation with just about every one of Jonquils ex-boyfriends.
They have all said the same thing…. “Jonquil was better to me than anyone has ever been… and I don’t know why I lost her”.
I told mike the same thing I told Andy, Reese, and myself. Jonquil has to fall in love with love, before she can fall in love with you. Jonquil needed you, and because she has never felt true love within herself, because she has never loved herself enough to truly love others… she equated that ‘need’ with ‘love’, and so it went until she realized that what she was feeling wasn’t a love for you… but a longing for the love that she could see in herself… but could not attain.
I made sure to tell him that I was sure she wasn’t using him… or at least she may not have thought she was…
But Mike isn’t stupid, he could see that…
- I had kicked her out and she had no were else to go
- He was willing to take her in and take care of her
A+B=Used
Although I don’t see why he would be mad about it. We could just as easily say…
- I have no money and no home
- Hey! My fiancé has money and a home.
A+B=Used
I was invited to DragonCon.
Jonquil told me not to go… she said that Mike may try to start something with me because he ‘hated’ me with a passion….
Mike told me he hated me…. and he told me why.
He said that during the course of their relationship Jonquil told him these things:
1) I was mentally abusive
2) I beat her
3) I raped her
4) I locked her out of the house
5) I forbid her to go on trips to
None of this really came as a shock to me… mike is one of five people who have told me this very thing.
Jonquil strongly denies ever saying anything like this.
So who should I believe?
2 close friends
1 person who lives in
1 of Jonquils friends who doesn’t particularly like me
And 1 person who just overheard Jonquil saying these things to someone she works with?
Or jonquil?
Mike wondered why this news didn’t bother me…
This is what I told him
“out of everyone who has come to me with this… there hasn’t been one person who has believed it, most people think Jonquil is (to quote) “a liar who likes to start rumors in hopes that people will feel sorry for her, but ends up just making herself look bad”.
I told him that I didn’t feel the need to defend myself because people know me well enough to know that the things she has said about me aren’t true.
I want to go on record at this point and say that I didn’t talk to mike about Jonquils current relationships…. This is why:
#1 I don’t know if she is having any.
#2 If she is, it isn’t any of my business, nor do I really care.
I spent most of the night trying to convince Mike not to harm Jonquils stuff.
I think I succeeded…. I think that no matter how much he threatens her stuff… he isn’t dumb enough to actually harm any of it.
Some of you may be asking “why on earth did you talk to either of them in the first place?”
…
I have been asking myself that same question all day, I don’t know the answer.
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Comment by Jonquil
Made Monday, 20 of August , 2007 at 9:41 am
You know, I was going to list everything I’ve said, but it doesn’t matter… if you want to know what I’ve said it’s all on my Myspace blog. Most of it is just people twisting what I said around, and you should be able to see that…. like saying I said you beat me when all I’ve said is that you came close to hitting me several times and one night I thought you were going to strangle me because your hands were wrapped around my throat. Regardless…. evidently people have taken my blog posts out of context… and the few people that knew about certain things I left out FOR YOUR FUCKING REPUTATIONS SAKE (such as the instances of near violence) evidently not only can’t keep their mouths shut but can’t get the story straight either (or prefer to make the story better by completing the space between your fist and my face).
Anyways, I give up. I’m not talking to anyone about my problems any more. It looks like not even making my problems public does any good because people still embellish and change the story to suit their needs. I hope you all have fun together…. meanwhile I’m going to be getting on with my life the way it should’ve went when I broke up with Mike rather than finding out that I can’t trust anyone and that no one gives a damn if I’m dead or alive.
Before you say you do give a damn, think good and hard about the fact that you defended your actions by saying he wouldn’t do anything to me. How do you know? Honestly? There are 3 people that have died here in the past month because they didn’t think someone would hurt them…. but that person did.
You say I don’t love myself…. give me one good reason why I should. People around me that care? I honestly don’t see that with a few exceptions… those few exceptions have shown me that there are people that care…. and you weren’t/aren’t one of them. Neither was/is Mike. People that care don’t do the things you did, or the things Mike has done. People that care care about you as a person, your health, your safety, etc. and not so much about whether they possess you for their own. They just want to be around you, be a part of your life….
That’s how I felt about you at one time. That’s how I felt about Mike at one time. Both of you broke my heart because you couldn’t return that kind of love back… I didn’t understand why the kind of love you both offered hurt so much and made me feel like a worse person… I got fooled into thinking that was just the way it was supposed to be…. I was supposed to be controlled, I was supposed to be submissive, I was supposed to be perfect, and I didn’t love myself. I didn’t love myself because I wasn’t perfect enough, because I thought something was wrong with me and I was a bad person because I couldn’t fit your ideals of the perfect woman.
Then I got out on my own… I got back around people that really cared about me… I had forgotten what that felt like. And now I know that while I may not love myself, while I may have my problems that I’m trying to work through, there is a better world out there with people whose love doesn’t hurt, doesn’t seek to control, doesn’t seek to destroy but builds and uplifts… people that don’t stack their problems on top of you when you say you’re breaking from your own. People that help you heal rather than make the wound worse.
You’re not one of those people. Mike is not one of those people. And I find it amazing that just because I tried to get out…. now I’m getting criticized, backstabbed, and threatened.
I told David this the other day:
“I don’t understand why people can’t care about eachother as friends first and lovers second. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to comprehend that just because you don’t work out romantically doesn’t mean someone is a bad person or that someone doesn’t care about the other any more.”
I’m ranting on your blog. I’ll quit.
Comment by PopTart
Made Tuesday, 21 of August , 2007 at 8:20 am
I’m glad I really have no clue what the HELL is going on.
