so i had this dream that i was living in fairplay, but the inside of the house was the exact same as the one in lake como… though bigger. i was staying in a modern version of my parents room, fixing a computer, and watching Obama talk about something (school lunch i think). then baron fowler (whom i knew in middle school) showed up, but he sorta looked like Johnathan Taylor Thomas, then i played in an inflatable arcade with tiffany…which was in an arcade… but for some reason spilled over into my bedroom. i schooled her on time crisis. because of that i won Scott a yard gnome. then i went home and violently destroyed my fathers lightbox…

then i woke up

and quickly realized the CSS from my lightbox script wasn’t allowing my SmoothGallery script to load properly…

strange fucking dream….

also… after i get another camera, i can stop using strange default pics for my header, SCORE!!!

working on this…

some shit may not work correctly.

people keep asking me why i don’t write in my blog…
the truth is, i don’t have much to say.

i haven’t been doing much with my life…

sitting around,
feeling sorry for myself.

i beat assassins creed and saints row… but you dont want to hear about that.

i hung around claires for about an hour today….

there is nothing to say about that…

the same thing happened that always happens…

nothing.

i found out jonquil is some golden child, prodigy girl, who can make pepsi cans dance…

or at least she was… until about two years ago…

you see one day we kissed…. and my lip was bleeding… she got some of my blood on her lips…

and if eddie murphy taught us anything… its that once the golden child tastes blood… all of their powers vanish.

guess you can blame me for that…

fuck.

i played what seemed like 10 hours of miniature golf yesterday…
15 over par…
i cried my emo-boy heart out.
my excuse for being so bad was that i really really wanted a cigarette.

i have an interview tomorrow in Greenville.

i did my taxes and found out that after my many deductions i made a staggering $15 last year.

i have been thinking about Thomas Aquinas’ ‘proofs’ lately…

they are 5 ways to prove God exists….

they dont really prove anything.
if you attend church you will notice that you have heard all of these many times before.

they are:
#1 The unmoved mover.
nothing moves without a prior mover. this leads us to regress, from which the only escape is God. something has to make the first move, and that something we call God.

#2 the uncaused cause.
nothing is caused by itself. every effect has a prior cause, and again we are pushed back into regress. this has to be terminated by a first cause, which we call God

#3 the cosmological argument.
there must have been a time when no physical things existed, but since physical things exist now, there must have been something non-physical to bring them into existence, and that something we call God.

#4 the argument from degree.
we notice that things in the world differ. there are degrees of say, goodness or perfection. but we judge these degrees only by comparison with a maximum. humans can be both good and bad, so the maximum goodness cannot rest in us. therefore there must be some other maximum to set the standard for perfection, and we will call that maximum God.

$5 argument from design.
things in the world, especially living things, look as though they have been designed. nothing that we know looks designed unless it is designed. therefore there must have been a designer, and we call that designer God.

and Gaskings proof God does not exist.

#1 the creation of the world is the most marvelous thing imaginable.

#2 the merit of an achievement is the product of (a) its intristic qualities and (b) the ability of its creator.

#3 the greater the disability of the creator, the more impressive the achievement.

#4 the most formidable disability for a creator would be non-existence.

#5 therefore if we suppose that the universe is a product of an existent creator we can conceive a greater being - namely, one who created everything while not existing.

#6 an existing God therefore would not be a being greater than which a greater cannot be conceived because an even more formidable and incredible creator would be a God which does not exist.

Ergo:

#7 God does not exist.

no comments from me really…. im just thinking. blame Richard Dawkins.
i had allot of faith in the church until recently…

i thought there was no greater organization than the church as a whole…

im slowly starting to regress to the place i was 3 years ago… i am beginning to realize that the church is nothing more than a really expensive whore.

its takes all of your money… and makes you feel good for about an hour… at which point you begin thinking about how pathetic you are in the scheme of things…

mabey God dosent exist… and i have spent the last 26 years looking for the abominable snowman.
mabey God does exist and he is maliciously hiding from me.
mabey God just hates me.

who knows.

i do know, at this point i have more important things to worry about.

like this one situation i am in at the moment.
have you ever been in a situation where you give your all toward a goal… all of your thoughts and dreams… your hopes and fears… only to realize that for the past few months you have been talking to this large brick wall?
you think to yourself: should i continue talking to the wall… in hopes that one day it will talk back? i mean… up until now it hasnt shown any signs of growing a mouth. or should i leave the wall alone?

was that question vague?
it was?
good.

once i desperately wanted a home…
a childhood home.

a place where my memories could reside…

i thought that could be in lake como.
until the house was sold.

then i though it could be on west end ave… until all of my memories were replaced by an old man sitting in a recliner bitching about jerry springer.

then i thought it could be on E st.

but fuck that.

not having a place to call home is unsettling to say the least…

alas that was one goal i had to give up on….

this will be another im afraid.

my home is in my mind…
and my friends are at my local record shop…
although you may find that pathetic… i find it comforting…

no matter where in the world i go, i can walk into a music store and be reunited with long lost friends.

i have been reading “the philosophical programmer: reflections on the moth in the machine” by Daniel Kohanski.

it talks allot about the aesthetics of a program… and how to acheive the proper desired result, the inner workings of the program must be aesthetcially pleasing…
its been making me think of my life… and whether i have set myself up to acheive my dreams…. (which at this point are unknown to me)

or if i have become in essence ’spagetti code’

… on a clear disk… you can seek forever…

perhaps i should give myself a set of goals…
clear, simple, and in writting.

#1 i want to live in general harmony with my surroundings.
#2 i want the focus of my life to be on love
#3 i want to give a child, the things i wanted as a child (i.e. harmony and stability)
#4 also i wouldnt mind quitting smoking.

everything else is trivial to me. i would love to rebuild cars… but i could live without doing it. i would love to own allot more video games, but i could live without them. i would love to make music, but it isnt a necessity.

i dont need to be remembered.
i dont need to contribute.
i only need to share my heart.

does that sound cheesy?

saddly at this point none of that seems to be working out, but of course…. God works in mysterious, cruel, inhumane, and unimaginable ways.

i dont think i have a grudge against God as much as i do the church… i cant imagine how i could give so much of myself… to something i believed in with all my heart… only to be told i wasnt good enough, or worthy enough, by some small man sitting in his leather back chairs high on his pedestal.

heh… i saw this girl from the youth group today at the mall…

she walked past and brushed my shoulders with her hand and just said “hey, miss you”

it actually made me cry… i had to leave.

this series of events went through my mind in a flash.

#1 sitting on a bus at creation with this girl and about 4 other people talking about why she should or should not (a) do drugs (b) have sex.
#2 listening to her cry as she told me soemthing that i will not write here
#3 giving her a hug and telling her things will be alright… and generally believing they would
#4 being told i could not work with the youth again.

if that pitiful old man believes the church SHOULD be about money more than service… eh… thats something that HE will have to answer for eventually…
and taking away someone who deeply cared for the kids… well he will have to answer for that too.

the only thing i now know about the southern baptist church, is that soon it will die.
working there was like seeing a car crash from inside the car.

anyway, back to the brick wall thing.

i have decided that its over… no more brick wall for me…

im going to concentrate on my dreams.
so look out dreams, here i come, at a slow, determined, unnearving, and slightly unsetteling pace.

a wordpress hoodie

buy me one 

Tiffany is…

well…

its hard to find the words to describe tiffany. beautiful, funny, caring… words don’t seem to be enough.

she likes: rain, stomachs, guitars, the beach, amusement parks, baseball, summer, hibiscus, green and pink, piercings, tall guys, Legos, Batman, the number 10, old stuff, really hot bubble baths, slowdances, Mitch Hedberg, cartoons, Nintendo, Toad (the mushroom from Mario), playing cards especially spades, crushed ice, winter sunsets, volkswagons, guitar hero, chocolate milkshakes, buying presents for no reason, song lyrics, karaoke, fireworks, holding hands, unexpected kisses, missed text messages after work, flip flops, trucker hats, voices like Frank Sinatra, Rivers Cuomo, or Bradley Nowell(very different voices, but all sexy), dry humor, summer nights, city lights at night, laughing, deep conversations, randomness, lip biting, one sided grins, winks, kisses on my neck, being in someone’s arms, shopping, cute/sexy undies/pajamas, having my hair played with, black and white pictures, kittens, ripped jeans, outside concerts, road trips, being called baby, cuddling, soft sweet kisses, closed-eyed kisses, Atlanta Braves and Boston Red Sox, eyes, USC Gamecocks, Ryan Reynolds, Vince Vaughn, candy necklaces, Kevin Smith, art, collages, Christopher Walken, Matthew Lillard, dorkiness, psycholog.

she dislikes: me

fuck…

get used to her… she will be talked about more frequently.