i wrote this in 1995.
it was an assigment for english 2 honors called “interview yourself”
written in big red ink in the middle of the page is “12% F”

i iz da smarts!!!

it was found folded in a journal.

About me:
Age: old enough to wipe my own ass
date of birth: my birthday
nicknames: Party pants, dumbass
home planet: my moldy war frame was purloined bit by lumpy bit from the ghettos across the galaxy. i was assembled on the wide wide world of sports.
height: almost tall
weight: 16 tons fully dressed 89 lbs naked
favorite color: urine
favorite tv show: barney
last book read: how to manipulate friends and intimidate people.
last book written: the new testament
when i get mad i: fart, ejaculate on old ladies
hobbies: hooked on phonics, cooking, brain surgery, proctology, human sculptures, tap dancing, setting traps for man’s ruin, turd surfing, golf, peeping, learning to like myself.
my greatest accomplishment: there is nothing to be proud of.
what shames me: i fingered cher
turn on’s: lurking, public urinals
turn off’s: peace, law enforcement personnel.
what i like to do on dates: contemplate suicide, apologize, rama-jama, not go.