Dear Kid: you now look like a manatee

Dear Kid:
your mother and i recently celebrated our one year anniversary.
it doesn’t feel like we have been together for a year… everything is going so smoothly that time just seems to fly by.
we have had no real arguments… hell we hardly disagree… she is an amazing woman…
you know… at this point you don’t really know much about us… you don’t know much about anything. all you really know is that your mothers uterus is rather dark.
sooooo….
let me tell you abit about us.

I am your father!:
Hello my name is George Ward… and contrary to popular belief… i am not Batman. im a 28 year old no-one who does nothing… except for the things your mother tells me to do.
i work for the power company yet i am seriously considering going back to school to become a high school science teacher… and as far as i know… you are my only kid (you may have had some brothers or sisters once… but the mother of those kids was sorta whorish… and we weren’t sure who the father was… also she was sorta heartless… because she killed them) so its just me and you. anyway kid, im gonna go ahead and admit this now… you scare the shit out of me… i don’t feel that i am ready to be a father… at this point i think that i am more childish than you are. i have severe A.D.D. … let me give you an example… while i am writing this i am constantly checking my facebook… browsing deviantart… and updating twitter (none of which will be around when you read this)… and actually writing different sections of this letter. the ending is finished, now i just have to fill in the middle.
also… im too lazy to edit.
i love my car more than i love my friends.
my car is a 97 eclipse.
which will be an antique by the time you read this… yet with all of the modifications that i have made it will be worthless… but still fun as shit to drive (if we still have gasoline that is). who am i kidding i will have blown the engine by then.
i play video games… im currently still playing skate2… i would move past that, but your sister insists that i play it often… she likes it when the skater falls down.
im lazy… i would try to explain how lazy i am… but im too lazy

so yeah… im scared.
im not sure what im going to do with you.
but…
i have a plan.
i would like to raise you the same way i was raised… with love and compassion… with freedom but restrictions… the only thing i want to change is this: i do not want to expose you to any sort of religion until you are old enough to understand them for what they are … and what they aren’t. that seems to be the only thing your mother disagrees with me on… well that and she doesn’t want you to watch horror movies… she doesn’t think that AC/DC should be played in the nusery… even if it is the rockabye baby version… and she doesn’t think tshirt hell baby shirts are funny.
you see… im a very odd guy… i have a strange sense of humor.
i like blood guts and gore… but only in fictitious form… im a very caring individual… i feel that every person in the world should be treated with love and respect, until they prove that they do not deserve your love and respect… then you should treat them as if they do not exist.
your mother is my polar opposite.

your mother is kind… loving… generous.
your mother is faithful… thoughtful… and graceful.
if there was a god… i would thank him daily.
but since there isn’t, all i can do is remind myself daily that i am the luckiest man alive.
your mother is an accounts manager with…
well…
lets just say she works for a rental company.
she deals with some of the biggest assholes i could ever imagine on a daily basis… and yet she still finds enough warmth in her heart to come home and take care of your sister and I.
you are lucky to have her in your life.

speaking of your sister:
her name is bailey… and she is a beautiful, sweet, smart little girl.
normally she is very easy to deal with… but lately she has sorta been a pain. not so much for me… mainly for her mother.
for instance:
this past saturday we took her out… we started by having lunch at olive garden… where she pigged out on the breadsticks and some of your mothers pizza. she got some spaghetti but she was too full to eat it. (im actually eating it right now… its pretty good… id give you some… but i dont think you have a working mouth yet.) then we went to the greenville zoo… we got to see some lions, giraffes, elephants, chimpanzees, all sorts of animals… and she seed to like that.
it was after the zoo that things started getting bad.
we went to whole foods to pick up some tomato chips and cherries… then to burlington so that your mom could buy some maternity clothes… and bailey became the most unruly child imaginable.. screaming and running off… melissa got upset, she said “i cant believe im the woman that has THAT child” meaning the child who screams and whose parents cant make it stop.
i seem to have a magical effect on bailey… if i get closer than ten feet… she shuts up. i guess its because i am the one that hands out the punishments… im the one that yells when yelling needs to be done.
and i like it that way…
i have heard kids say that they hate their parents… when all their parents are doing is trying to get them to behave.
if bailey ever says she hates someone… i would rather it be me.
i would rather be the bad guy so that melissa never hears those words come out of baileys mouth.
we tried to take her to frankies fun park… to hang out with uncle David, uncle Joe, and aunt Rebecca… but bailey was far too uncontrollable… so we stayed long enough for mellissa to get enough tickets playing skee ball to get you the strange stuffed bee that im sure you threw into the trash many many years before you read this.
one positive thing did happen as a result of us having to leave…i got to see a pretty awesome skyline AND i almost got hit by a car.

the end.