how to be a man #1: the prologue

Dear Kid,
for awhile now i have noticed that this blog has an apparent lack of direction…
occasionally i come here and rant about boobs… or sex… or how im not currently getting enough boobs or sex, but for the most part this site is just blah…
to liven things up a bit i decided to write a letter to my unborn kid at least once a week, and hopfully take a picture of melissa… you know… to document this unholy birth of the devil’s child.
but think about it… how much can you really say to an unborn kid?
i mean… it isnt even technically a kid… its just a small growth in mellissa’s uterus… it may as well be cancer…

have you ever tried to talk to cancer?
its fucking difficult.

i could make weekly posts about it’s sister becomeing increasingly difficult…
all she wants is whatever random thing she wants… and she wants it now… but when you give it to her… she doesnt want it…
if it isnt hot, its cold… and no matter what it is it scares her.
jesus could ride into town on a flowery tricycle, handing out small fluffy bunnies to all the children of the world and it would terrify her…

come to think of it…
it would terrify me.

my biggest fear throughout all of this has been that i dont think i am mature enough to be a father…you have to be a man to be a father… and as far as i know.. .grown men dont have jason vorheese reproduction masks just laying around their house.

so i decided that i needed to become a man, and in doing so learn every skill that a man should know…
how to fish… fix a lawnmower.. ect ect ect.
to do that i would need to seek out advice from everyone i admire… from all the real men that i know.

this is the plan:
im going to email, call, and talk to all the people i consider to be ‘real men’ for one reason or another… and find out what the most important thing they think every man should be able to do is… then im going to learn how to do that…

does this sound boring?
just remember… the first skill i tried to learn left me bloody and in need of a doctor.

we should both enjoy this.