Burnstyle.net » family

I could use some cheetos

Burn — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 10:26:35 +0000

OK kid, Here’s the deal

It’s been a few months since your mother and I split up. Since then you and I have moved to Florida, and bounced around between my mothers house… my fathers house… and johns house.
Life has been rough, yet rewarding. You have met new friends, and had experiences you wouldn’t have had if we had stayed in South Carolina. So far I haven’t regretted the move in the slightest.

So… Here is where I need to update you a little bit.

About a month ago i had to go back to South Carolina to solve a problem your mother was having with a friend of hers… During that time i learned that shortly after we left your mother started seeing the man she cheated on me with, again. they built a quasi-relationship, and then she broke up with him… for reasons im sure you will hear about later on… if you ask that is.
Your mother and i started talking… like humans… like adults… something we hadn’t done in a very long time. We laid our issues out on the table and solved a lot of the problems we had been having for the past few years.
Most of those problems had to do with us lying to each other. I had been lying about how i found out your mother cheated on me… and she had been lying about various aspects of their relationship.
We both came clean… We told each other the full truth, and in the process became friends again.
Knowing that most issues were resolved i felt comfortable coming back to Florida… so i packed and prepared to leave… then your great grandfather passed away.

I’m going to stop for a second and tell you some things about your great grandfather… these are things that i never want you to forget.
He loved you, possibly more than he loved anyone else. He once said that you were the only member of the family that hadnt lied to or stolen from him… you made him happy whenever you were around.
Two days before he died i spent a few hours talking with him, he asked about you… looked through some pictures, watched some videos, smiled, laughed… it was amazing. Before I left for the day he asked me to bring him some cheetos.

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “I could use some cheetos”

I spent the next night sitting at the nursing home with him… all night.
Every breath he took scared the shit out of me… i was afraid it would be his last…
Though…
He died the next night… while me, your mother, and her friend bradlee were eating taco bell and talking about bradlees boyfriend, and his commitment issues.

My mother brought you down with her for the funeral… you went to the viewing, and while everyone was crying, you were playing with dale earnhardt and a kyle petty hot wheels cars.
I will never forget the irony of watching you push a dale earnhardt car into the wall of a funeral home.

You met every member of your family that night. Everyone loved you.

I’m getting side tracked… back to my story.

After your great grandfather passed I was forced to stay in South Carolina for a few weeks, and during that time your mother and I decided to try and work out our problems and bring our family back together again.
Your mother decided to move to Florida so that we could all be together, but… the move is going to take her a few months…

So now I am here with you, and she is there with Bailey… and the separation is causing problems.

You see… I still have trust issues… Everyone i talk to says that is completely normal… and i think so too, the problem is my issues are causing me to act very paranoid.. and frankly like an ass.
For a long time during the arguments your mother and I had, I would feel so ashamed of myself… and the situation our family was in, that i would say things that were mean to your mom. I would remind her of what she did, and how it destroyed our family, and how it was all her fault. When in reality… none of that was true.

Relationship problems are never one sided… no one person is ever fully at fault. Our family split up… and that was as much my fault as it was hers… It took me a long time to realize that.
So now i am used to arguments… I expect every one of our conversations to lead to an argument, and i get very defensive. Hell… I start most of our arguments. I don’t mean to… I don’t mean to make your mother feel bad. I’m just sort of used to that. I’m used to her hurting me… then me hurting her back.

Let me tell you this… your mother has hurt enough.

Believe it or not but there was a time in our relationship where your mother and I had never argued… never raised our voices, never even really disagreed.
I want to get back to that point… but before i can do that I need to be able to see your mother the same way i used to. As a beautiful, perfect partner. A strong, kind, and loving mother.
To do that i have to let go of the past.
And as of today… that is what i will do.

Protected: 94,670,778 seconds

Burn — Tue, 10 May 2011 06:02:14 +0000

Protected: In the end.

Burn — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 05:00:33 +0000

small cell lung carcinoma

Burn — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 07:30:31 +0000

Dear Jason,
Today i want to tell you about your great grandmother.
Her name was Pauline Whitfield, she was a loving wife, a caring grandmother, and a smoker. She died from lung cancer.
This was the last recording she ever made. I want you to hear it.

My grandmother died before she could meet you… and i regret that…. because she would have adored you. You would have been able to know her love. The warmth that only she could provide. If only she had not been a smoker.
At this point, everyone in your life is a smoker. your parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts.
Yes, even me.

I don’t want you to have to feel that you lost someone too soon.
So, as i am writing this i am smoking my last cigarette.

I am quitting because i love you, and want to be in your life for a very long time. I hope that i am not too late.

I’m scared

Burn — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 06:44:13 +0000

Dear Jason,
There is something you need to understand. Sometimes real men get scared. Sometimes even I get scared. Sometimes… When I think of your future, I get terrified. I think of all the things that could go wrong.
I want you to know that I fight everyday to make sure you have the best life possible. To make sure you have a happy healthy home life. To make sure that you are surrounded by people who love you. I want you to grow up knowing, without a doubt, that your parents love you, will protect you, and want nothing but the best for you.
I think what frightens me most is the thought that something may happen to me. That I may not be there for you.

Though if something should happen, know that everything will still be alright.

today is a new day.

Burn — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 06:58:27 +0000

Dear Jason,
Over the course of your life you will develop passions for ideas, philosophies, memories, or for certain material possessions. You may find that over time those passions will begin to fade. You may find that your passion has turned into a routine, that you don’t actually care about them anymore… you have just developed a habit. A habit that is difficult to break.

You do not have much time in this world, we all die suddenly. Embrace your ideas. Make them a part of you, but tread cautiously… because if you are not careful you may become them. They may turn you into a person that you never thought you could be.

I have often pondered the meaning of life. Why are we here? What is the purpose of our short, rather insignificant lives? After many late nights of introspective contemplation… this is the closest thing to an answer i can come up with. Live your life so that you may make at least one other person truly happy. If everyone were to live this way, there would be peace.

With Love,
your father.

burnstyle.net: mobile edition

Burn — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 18:56:29 +0000

Our babysitter called in sick today, which forced me to stay home from work and watch the kids. I decided to make the day productive… I built additional selves for our massive new medicine cabinet, cleaned the bathroom, the living room, and made a mobile version of burnstyle.net.
if you visit this site on an iphone or android phone…. any smart phone really…. the site will look like this:

A black tank top

Burn — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 05:54:30 +0000

Black tank top, old jeans, necklace, ring…. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. How could someone like me, end up with someone like her?
There has never been anyone in my life who has shown me what a relationship should be.
My parents marriage failed after something like 16 years. Growing up in that house was hard… we had food… we had money… we had everything I could need….
we also had arguments… we had nights where my mother would wake me in the middle of the night to drive around St. Augustine searching for my father… who inevitably would be huddled around a motorcycle somewhere… or some bar.
I still remember that bar…
I don’t know why we went to that bar that night… but that place still sickens me.
All my grandparents taught me was this: “the man is the head of the household…DONT QUESTION HIM! In fact… don’t even look at him, if you leave him alone he may be civil for the night. And remember no matter what you do… you cant please him”.
I have always hated NASCAR… even as a child. I didn’t see the point of it. These guys drive around in a circle all day? Hell… I could do that. But my grandfather loved it. I remember trying to get into NASCAR just so I could have something in common with him. I remember coming home with boxes of NASCAR trading cards… I would memorize stats from the backs of cards… I would ask him about races… I remember opening one pack of cards and finding an extremely valuable card… the next time I went to see him I took him that card to show him… I remember him yelling at me, calling me a thief… accusing me of stealing the card from him…
it was just a card… a small rectangle made of cardboard.
I remember the manipulation of April.
The deceit of Amiee
The psychosis of jonquil.
The underhandedness of Laura.
I’ve had such a skewed view of love.
And it is all changing because of a black tank top, old jeans, a necklace, and a ring
Now I know that the man takes care of his family, not because he has to… but because he wants to. Because he loves his family… and wants nothing but the best for them. He doesn’t want them to have to worry… because they deserve an easy going life. They deserve honesty, respect, warmth, compassion and understanding.
They say that there is allot to lean from your childhood. They say it shapes you when you become an adult.
Whats the lesson I have learned from my childhood?
Don’t let your childhood shape you…

I hope my son will have all the things that I missed out on.
I hope he will have stability, friends, love, and warmth.
I will do everything I can to provide him with those things… and give him a childhood that he will look back on with pride.

on a side note.

Burn — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 18:01:22 +0000

2 years ago today… to this very second…. was the first time Melissa and i spoke.

after reading the very first message, i thought she was a bot… and almost ignored her.
after reading the second message i still wasn’t quite sure.

3 cheers for curiosity!

i love you hun.

get busy child.

Burn — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:37:17 +0000

The last few weeks have gone by in a blur. No work and all play… i have been staying home most days: finishing random projects that should have been completed months ago.

Melissa decided that we needed a new roof… so we had a red tin roof installed. Then she thought our door needed to match the roof… so we painted the front door red… then we painted the roof of the out building to match the roof of the house.

Now our yard is completely color coordinated… which is good… I guess.

After that was done and I finally had the chance to sit down and rest, Melissa calmly explained to me that I was no longer a bachelor, and that a desk supported by phone books and bibles with two computers, a TV, and 6 video game consoles stacked on top of it just wasn’t going to fly anymore.
So I went out and got enough stuff to build two desks, two bookcases, and an end table.
I fashioned myself a nice L shaped desk with a bookcase holding 9 video game consoles and a TV, three sets of drawers, and a glass stand for my laptop.
I wired the TV to a Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, Genesis, Dreamcast, Atari 2600, Atari 5200, IntelliVision, and a Playstation 2.
I built Melissa a smaller desk for her laptop and …um… bill paying supplies, a bookcase and side table.
Now our office area looks new modern and fresh…. except for one thing: My Computer.
Sitting on top of all this new modern furniture is a half open PC and a huge beige CRT monitor. I went and bought a new HP, and a 22 inch flat screen monitor, then I moved the old computer into the top of a closet… networked everything together and used it as a file server.
Once I got everything merged to the file server I set up each computer to back up its files via Microsoft Synctoy. Then I set up a Beta account with Utorrent:falcon. This allows me to add and maintain torrents via a website on my laptop or iPhone, or I can use its built in HTTP server to access utorrent remotely while I am on my home network.
all of this came in very handy… in total we had 4tb of network storage.
Once I realized how much of a pain in the ass it is to climb into the closet every time I needed to change something on the server, I realized I needed a remote access tool.
I installed tightVnc. This allows me to log in from any computer or the iPhone and have access to my servers desktop. I can do anything from tightVnc like I would if I were sitting in front of the server.
Since tightVnc is lacking in the security department I updated my router to a wireless N+ with a different type of firmware and a hardware firewall. The firewall allows me to specify certain mac addresses, and only allow those address to connect to the network. That coupled with several other authentication measures makes the network rather secure.

With all this complete I decided it was time to give some attention to my family. I got an iPod Dock for Jason’s iPod… it is setup to sync a library filled with RockaBye Baby tunes as well as some Baby Genius stuff. Then attached a webcam to his crib, allowing my family in Florida to check in on them whenever they want… to save me some time setting up a cam viewer on my site I set up an account with ustream and linked that to a page on my site. The upside to using ustream is that you can record the cam when it is live and save those recordings as shows so that people can watch them when the cam is offline.

After doing all of that I turned my attention to my car.
I replaced a bunch of heather hoses, pcv valve, rerouted some exhaust gas tubing… generally just fixed random things. I finally fixed the door on the truck, the brakes on Melissa’s car, and the Vacuum modulator on the Comet.

All in all I feel like I have gotten a few things done over the last couple of weeks. Its been awhile since I have felt like I have accomplished something.