It’s been a few months since your mother and I split up. Since then you and I have moved to Florida, and bounced around between my mothers house… my fathers house… and johns house.
Life has been rough, yet rewarding. You have met new friends, and had experiences you wouldn’t have had if we had stayed in South Carolina. So far I haven’t regretted the move in the slightest.

So… Here is where I need to update you a little bit.

About a month ago i had to go back to South Carolina to solve a problem your mother was having with a friend of hers… During that time i learned that shortly after we left your mother started seeing the man she cheated on me with, again. they built a quasi-relationship, and then she broke up with him… for reasons im sure you will hear about later on… if you ask that is.
Your mother and i started talking… like humans… like adults… something we hadn’t done in a very long time. We laid our issues out on the table and solved a lot of the problems we had been having for the past few years.
Most of those problems had to do with us lying to each other. I had been lying about how i found out your mother cheated on me… and she had been lying about various aspects of their relationship.
We both came clean… We told each other the full truth, and in the process became friends again.
Knowing that most issues were resolved i felt comfortable coming back to Florida… so i packed and prepared to leave… then your great grandfather passed away.

I’m going to stop for a second and tell you some things about your great grandfather… these are things that i never want you to forget.
He loved you, possibly more than he loved anyone else. He once said that you were the only member of the family that hadnt lied to or stolen from him… you made him happy whenever you were around.
Two days before he died i spent a few hours talking with him, he asked about you… looked through some pictures, watched some videos, smiled, laughed… it was amazing. Before I left for the day he asked me to bring him some cheetos.

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “I could use some cheetos”

I spent the next night sitting at the nursing home with him… all night.
Every breath he took scared the shit out of me… i was afraid it would be his last…
Though…
He died the next night… while me, your mother, and her friend bradlee were eating taco bell and talking about bradlees boyfriend, and his commitment issues.

My mother brought you down with her for the funeral… you went to the viewing, and while everyone was crying, you were playing with dale earnhardt and a kyle petty hot wheels cars.
I will never forget the irony of watching you push a dale earnhardt car into the wall of a funeral home.

You met every member of your family that night. Everyone loved you.

I’m getting side tracked… back to my story.

After your great grandfather passed I was forced to stay in South Carolina for a few weeks, and during that time your mother and I decided to try and work out our problems and bring our family back together again.
Your mother decided to move to Florida so that we could all be together, but… the move is going to take her a few months…

So now I am here with you, and she is there with Bailey… and the separation is causing problems.

You see… I still have trust issues… Everyone i talk to says that is completely normal… and i think so too, the problem is my issues are causing me to act very paranoid.. and frankly like an ass.
For a long time during the arguments your mother and I had, I would feel so ashamed of myself… and the situation our family was in, that i would say things that were mean to your mom. I would remind her of what she did, and how it destroyed our family, and how it was all her fault. When in reality… none of that was true.

Relationship problems are never one sided… no one person is ever fully at fault. Our family split up… and that was as much my fault as it was hers… It took me a long time to realize that.
So now i am used to arguments… I expect every one of our conversations to lead to an argument, and i get very defensive. Hell… I start most of our arguments. I don’t mean to… I don’t mean to make your mother feel bad. I’m just sort of used to that. I’m used to her hurting me… then me hurting her back.

Let me tell you this… your mother has hurt enough.

Believe it or not but there was a time in our relationship where your mother and I had never argued… never raised our voices, never even really disagreed.
I want to get back to that point… but before i can do that I need to be able to see your mother the same way i used to. As a beautiful, perfect partner. A strong, kind, and loving mother.
To do that i have to let go of the past.
And as of today… that is what i will do.

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me= sure… id love to chat
you do know however that ****** warns people about users who have no photos “No picture found. Be suspicious.” :P
also when there is no picture people tend to assume the worst…
i dont however… because it really makes no diffrence to me.

her= You can see pics of me on myspace
www.myspace.com/******
the only pics of me on there are from my wedding and thats why i felt they would be inappropriate for a dating site. my profile is private so you’ll have to send a friend request. i log in everyday so i’ll be sure to approve you.

me= so i have to ask… why is a gorgeous married woman on *****?

her= I left my husband 2 months ago because he’s…alot of things. Made a rash decision to marry him. Biggest mistake of my life. I want to meet someone who can treat me right.

her= I actually live in Lavonia right now. I only lived in Easley while I was with my husband. I am between jobs right now, when I left Easley it made the commute impossible. I hated to give up the damn good money though. I was a sales manager for the biggest Aaron’s store in the entire company. Very demanding. I interviewed last week at a title loan company in toccoa. I should be hearing from them monday.
So you left out the part about the other place you worked..whats up with that? Come on you can tell me. And what do you do for a living now? I take it you travel sometimes.
Anyway I hope I can catch you online sometime so we can chat. i’d like to learn more about you.

me= well… i managed the strip club in lavonia for about a year. after that i worked at dads… then did some webdesign work for a church here in anderson.
now i work as a meter tech for duke energy. i do have to travel sometimes… but not often.
from what i have seen… it looks hard to find good work in lavonia, i hope everything works out for you.
by the way..
my messenger names are
yahoo= *******
aim= ********
feel free to message me anytime :)

her= Hey whats up? I’m about to go to bed just thought I would drop by and tell you good night. Can’t wait to see you Tuesday.
talk to you later.

her=
ok this sucks really bad but I have really tried to go to sleep and its not working. i hope you are resting well. my mom wants me to go look at a house for us tomorrow. the ad sounds pretty good. so i’ll go check it out. i’ll be stuck taking a long ass nap in the morning after i take bailey to daycare. tonight bailey dumped ALOT of water on the floor while she was in the bathtub,, i had to get the steam cleaner out to clean up all the water. Maybe i shouldn’t let her have cups in the bath tub anymore. That was probably the most excting thing that went on around here today. I’ll probably play some more movie trivia things on myspace and head back to bed. my stomach is growling, so I am going to go fix me a sandwich or something. I am really looking forward to you coming to see me tuesday. we’ll find something to do i’m sure. maybe give you the grand tour of lavonia ha ha. i can’t believe i wasnt able to go to sleep, alot on my mind i guess. having trouble shutting my mind off. anyway i hope to talk to you tomorrow night sometime.
melissa

I am finally awake from my nap and its almost 3 in the afternoon. kinda fun to think about what i was doing 12 hours ago. i hope you got enough sleep last night. i also hope you are having a good day at work. All the weeds and the grass in the front yard was magically cut when i woke up a few mintutes ago. I’m confused. I didnt hear the dog barking or a lawn mower, and I KNOW it wasnt like that when i got home this morning. Maybe it was the landscaping fairy. Or I bet my mom hired someone to come do it since our weedeater is messed up. If she would’ve told me someone was coming by I would’ve brought the dog in. Oh well its done now. That was really sweet of you to call and make sure I didn’t get lost. I had a lot of things going through my mind on the drive home. Good things so don’t worry. Well I guess I need to get off my ass and do something. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you this: last night I left Bailey alone in the bath tub, and this time, instead of dumping water out of the tub, she dragged by laundry basket into the water. I walked in there and clolthes were soaking wet and a half empty basket floating in the tub. I luaghed my ass off, but if she had been older, she would’ve been in SOOOOO much trouble. Pretty funny. Well I’m gonna hop off here. I can’t wait to see you again tomorrow night. Let me know when you get home and me and Bailey will come see you…
melissa

and the rest is history.

i have been finding little projects to keep me busy, and ensure that i don’t become permanently attached to my computer chair.
in the past few weeks i have:
#1 Restocked and organized the tool shed
#2 Replaced all broken tools
#3 Reorganized the attic
#4 Setup and installed the mobile dyno in the eclipse… with a mounting bracket.
#5 Setup a wireless N+ network with 2 desktops 2 laptops and one JesusPod.
#6 Setup a fully featured file server (appropriately named God) with a stand alone firewall and VoIP server.
#7 replaced the vacuum modulator in the comet… cleaned the card and fuel system. fixed the braked and fuel tank.
# 8 I also learned how to bake Italian twist bread!!!!
# 9 I have also been working on an Image Gallery

and on and on and on.

One good thing about having this time off is that i have finally been able to adjust to, and get used to being a dad.
i can finally say that i enjoy every minute of it…
My mother took Jason and Melissa to have pictures taken a few weeks back, and we have finally gotten them all back.

i can honestly say the past few weeks have been educational and relaxing… but if work keeps going like this we may end up in a bit of trouble.

on Dec 5th at about 9pm your mother started having contractions… they were around 5 minutes apart… and didn’t hurt very badly, so she decided to sleep them off and see how things were the next morning. you weren’t due until Dec. 26th so we weren’t worried to much… we figured she was having braxton hicks contractions, and that everything would have stopped by the morning…
they didn’t.
so on the morning of the 6th we headed to the hospital.
after the doctors checked your mother out they decided that it would be better for her to labor at home for awhile… so they sent us away with some pain meds and told us to come back if things got worst.
well… things eventually got worst.

about 9pm we headed back to the hospital.
your mothers contractions were happening so fast, it seemed that a new one would start before the last was over.
the doctors gave your mother an epidural and told her to get a little rest… they said that you wouldn’t be coming until early the next morning… they said that they would be back around 2 to check her cervix and see how much longer it would be.
the nurse came back at 12:30, check your mother, found out she was at 9cm and her water had broke.
you were coming sooner than we thought.
i ran outside to make all of the phone calls… my mother and father, melissas mother, i sent text messages to all of my friends, then i ran back up to the room.
by the time i got back there were people everywhere… everyone was set up and your mother was already pushing.
ten minutes later you were born.
curious what happened when you were born?
well here you go.

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after that the nurses took you to clean you up. i went outside and had a cigarette and sent a text to all my friends.
the text said:
“ITS ALIVE!!! jason dean ward 5lb 10oz”

it was about 1:30am when i got back into the room… and since your mother and i had been up for two days straight we both promptly went to sleep.

i spent the next day taking pictures and running errands. between the doctors and running around i didn’t really get to spend much time with you.

4:00pm
that’s when the call came in.

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i didnt get back to the hospital until 11:00pm.

well… i just went to sleep.
the next day was a blur… running errands, and keeping your mom happy was my number one concern. the doctors were worried that you weren’t eating enough, in three days you lost 5oz… so they decided to keep you in the hospital an extra day.

the morning that they sent you home, we packed you in the car and turned on a beatles album…

the first song you ever heard was ‘here comes the sun’

we rode around for awhile showing you off to some of the people i grew up with.
first you saw Mrs. Hill, she was a lady that lived next door to my grandparents for 30 years or so.
then you saw my grandfather.

you and papa

i asked him what he thought of you and he said “he looks strong and healthy… which is good because soon hes going to have to find a job.”
the man has a strange sense of humor.
when we left my grandfather melissa got a call from her mother… apparently her sister had found lice on baileys head and they needed me to drive back to rock hill to pick her up.

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this pretty much wraps us your first few days on earth…

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everything is prepared for the most part. your crib, bassinet, changing table, dresser… everything is all set up.
i bought you your very first run dmc and godfather onesies.
your grandmother (my mother) is sending 2 or 3 boxes full of things…
the only thing we dont have is a travel system.
your other grandmother (your moms mom) is kinda flaking on that one…. im about ready to accept the fact that you will be coming home duct taped to the trunk of my car.

here are some things you should know.
#1 lets just get this out of the way… im not really crazy about the name ‘jason’. all of the names i chose were rejected fairly quickly. tossed aside as a joke. im starting to think that nothing i say or want will ever be taken seriously.
it worries me.
#2 you have 4 grandmothers…. which means you are one lucky bastard.
#3 my grandparents (on my mothers side) saved everything (my grandparents on my fathers side were douchbags…. well not my grandfather, i actually liked him… but my grandmother was a total douche… i always wondered how she felt when she died, knowing that no one gave a shit.) so anyway… they saved every thing… so some of your baby blankets were my baby blankets… and im pretty sure the outfit you were home from the hospital will be the one i wore home from the hospital. im told you cant have my old toys… because they contain lead. im not sure why they would be bad for you… i played with them… and i turned out fine.
#3 your aunt is slightly insane. if you ever stay with her you should expect to stay indoors at all times… because apparently wind will take your breath away… im not sure if she thinks fans will do the same thing… ill try to convince her that artificial wind doesn’t count.
#4 we have a cat… shes like my first child. she may very well get into the crib with you… ill try to keep her out, but i cant promise you anything.

it is now 2 am… i have been sitting here writting this in hopes that the torrent for tonights dexter episode will be posted… but it doesnt look like its going to be. so i think im going to go to bed… i have to be up for work tommorow at 6am…
thats another reason i am looking forward to having you with us….
when you are born i get to take two weeks off of work.

and i desperately need a vacation.

I am your father!:
Hello my name is George Ward… and contrary to popular belief… i am not Batman. im a 28 year old no-one who does nothing… except for the things your mother tells me to do.
i work for the power company yet i am seriously considering going back to school to become a high school science teacher… and as far as i know… you are my only kid (you may have had some brothers or sisters once… but the mother of those kids was sorta whorish… and we weren’t sure who the father was… also she was sorta heartless… because she killed them) so its just me and you. anyway kid, im gonna go ahead and admit this now… you scare the shit out of me… i don’t feel that i am ready to be a father… at this point i think that i am more childish than you are. i have severe A.D.D. … let me give you an example… while i am writing this i am constantly checking my facebook… browsing deviantart… and updating twitter (none of which will be around when you read this)… and actually writing different sections of this letter. the ending is finished, now i just have to fill in the middle.
also… im too lazy to edit.
i love my car more than i love my friends.
my car is a 97 eclipse.
which will be an antique by the time you read this… yet with all of the modifications that i have made it will be worthless… but still fun as shit to drive (if we still have gasoline that is). who am i kidding i will have blown the engine by then.
i play video games… im currently still playing skate2… i would move past that, but your sister insists that i play it often… she likes it when the skater falls down.
im lazy… i would try to explain how lazy i am… but im too lazy

so yeah… im scared.
im not sure what im going to do with you.
but…
i have a plan.
i would like to raise you the same way i was raised… with love and compassion… with freedom but restrictions… the only thing i want to change is this: i do not want to expose you to any sort of religion until you are old enough to understand them for what they are … and what they aren’t. that seems to be the only thing your mother disagrees with me on… well that and she doesn’t want you to watch horror movies… she doesn’t think that AC/DC should be played in the nusery… even if it is the rockabye baby version… and she doesn’t think tshirt hell baby shirts are funny.
you see… im a very odd guy… i have a strange sense of humor.
i like blood guts and gore… but only in fictitious form… im a very caring individual… i feel that every person in the world should be treated with love and respect, until they prove that they do not deserve your love and respect… then you should treat them as if they do not exist.
your mother is my polar opposite.

your mother is kind… loving… generous.
your mother is faithful… thoughtful… and graceful.
if there was a god… i would thank him daily.
but since there isn’t, all i can do is remind myself daily that i am the luckiest man alive.
your mother is an accounts manager with…
well…
lets just say she works for a rental company.
she deals with some of the biggest assholes i could ever imagine on a daily basis… and yet she still finds enough warmth in her heart to come home and take care of your sister and I.
you are lucky to have her in your life.

speaking of your sister:
her name is bailey… and she is a beautiful, sweet, smart little girl.
normally she is very easy to deal with… but lately she has sorta been a pain. not so much for me… mainly for her mother.
for instance:
this past saturday we took her out… we started by having lunch at olive garden… where she pigged out on the breadsticks and some of your mothers pizza. she got some spaghetti but she was too full to eat it. (im actually eating it right now… its pretty good… id give you some… but i dont think you have a working mouth yet.) then we went to the greenville zoo… we got to see some lions, giraffes, elephants, chimpanzees, all sorts of animals… and she seed to like that.
it was after the zoo that things started getting bad.
we went to whole foods to pick up some tomato chips and cherries… then to burlington so that your mom could buy some maternity clothes… and bailey became the most unruly child imaginable.. screaming and running off… melissa got upset, she said “i cant believe im the woman that has THAT child” meaning the child who screams and whose parents cant make it stop.
i seem to have a magical effect on bailey… if i get closer than ten feet… she shuts up. i guess its because i am the one that hands out the punishments… im the one that yells when yelling needs to be done.
and i like it that way…
i have heard kids say that they hate their parents… when all their parents are doing is trying to get them to behave.
if bailey ever says she hates someone… i would rather it be me.
i would rather be the bad guy so that melissa never hears those words come out of baileys mouth.
we tried to take her to frankies fun park… to hang out with uncle David, uncle Joe, and aunt Rebecca… but bailey was far too uncontrollable… so we stayed long enough for mellissa to get enough tickets playing skee ball to get you the strange stuffed bee that im sure you threw into the trash many many years before you read this.
one positive thing did happen as a result of us having to leave…i got to see a pretty awesome skyline AND i almost got hit by a car.

the end.

have you ever tried to talk to cancer?
its fucking difficult.

i could make weekly posts about it’s sister becomeing increasingly difficult…
all she wants is whatever random thing she wants… and she wants it now… but when you give it to her… she doesnt want it…
if it isnt hot, its cold… and no matter what it is it scares her.
jesus could ride into town on a flowery tricycle, handing out small fluffy bunnies to all the children of the world and it would terrify her…

come to think of it…
it would terrify me.

my biggest fear throughout all of this has been that i dont think i am mature enough to be a father…you have to be a man to be a father… and as far as i know.. .grown men dont have jason vorheese reproduction masks just laying around their house.

so i decided that i needed to become a man, and in doing so learn every skill that a man should know…
how to fish… fix a lawnmower.. ect ect ect.
to do that i would need to seek out advice from everyone i admire… from all the real men that i know.

this is the plan:
im going to email, call, and talk to all the people i consider to be ‘real men’ for one reason or another… and find out what the most important thing they think every man should be able to do is… then im going to learn how to do that…

does this sound boring?
just remember… the first skill i tried to learn left me bloody and in need of a doctor.

we should both enjoy this.