Your feelings are not unfounded. You’re just deluded into thinking maybe this is okay. It’s not okay. She fucked you, man. She took her favorite dildo and fucked your asshole real slow. You’re confused because she used lube. She was nice about fucking you, but don’t mistaken that for anything more meaningful. She just truly fucked you, man. It doesn’t matter how you look at it.

No, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask her to cut ties with him. It sure as fuck won’t happen, though, so it’s unrealistic.

Dump that skank and quit being a pushover. That relationship is fucking done. You will never resolve those feelings.

But my life processes date back longer than that. My cells grew out of a egg and sperm that came from my mom and dad, and that process was continuous. In other words, they were living before, they came together, rearranged themselves, and kept on going. So in a very real sense, my life is a continuation of my dad’s life and my mom’s — admittedly for only two very lucky cells of theirs. Likewise, their life was the continuation of their progenitors, and so on.

In that sense, as a living thing, I’ve been going strong for at least 3.5 billion years. Yes, I used to be simpler, and at various times I’ve narrowed down to just a couple of cells, but through thick and thin, I’ve managed.

When I die, it’ll be the end of the line. But 3.5 billion years will have been a pretty good run.

First off, you’re not their gay friend. Their gay friend would get to see them try on different pairs of knickers and help them come to a conclusion on which to buy. Calling yourself their gay friend is like a pet mouse comparing itself to a pet dog- you’re just not as good as the dog, and you’re more like a sad little novelty than an actual friend.

Now let’s work on all the points that make me dislike you from one single paragraph.

“I don’t mind being there for them and helping out, but I’ve reached a personal breaking point.”

You’re not helping them out. You’re being manipulated. Because you’ve done it for six women, you either get off on this because it’s the closest thing to love you’ve ever had or you’re the kind of guy who’d drink jenkem I bought from a homeless guy for $1 if I told you to drink it because your testicles are so impossibly small that you can’t say no to anyone about anything.

“I hang out with girls all the time, I just never get to the relationship phase ever or get any action.”

Once again. A urologist would have to use an electron microscope to give you an exam.

“I’m not hideously ugly”

You’re implying that you’re only somewhat ugly with this. Accept your looks as what they are.

“I have good social skills hindered by a dark sense of humor (that I’ve been working on toning down),”

This is what really makes me dislike you. Fuck you for saying this. I have one of the most twisted, demented, convoluted senses of humor on the planet- truly depraved shit- and one of the things I love about the girl I’m falling for is that she’s right up there with me.

The second you compromise an integral part of yourself, especially for some gint who already despises you (or in your case, six of them), you don’t deserve to be happy. What kind of girl is going to go for a guy who’s such a hopeless pushover that he apologies for finding things funny? Would you go for a girl who does the same? Well, you probably would but someone with standards wouldn’t because it’s absolutely pathetic that they’d misrepresent themselves like that.

“and I like to think I’m a pretty nice guy”

Cool story bro, but you’re not. You’re just spineless, kind of like Steven Hawking but without any sort of inspirational story about overcoming adversity attached to it.

“(most people I know will agree)”

More passive-positivity. “I have good social skills”, “I don’t mind”, “I’m pretty nice”. This is the kind of shit that reinforces your situation.

“but my main point is I’m your typical nice guy- not an introvert in a black trenchcoat.”

You’re not a typical nice guy. You’re a typical pansy. You won’t even qualify for nice guy until someone actually wants to date you but ends up not doing so because you never make a move.

“Can anyone please provide advice on women-ing?”

Oki doke.

That six is going to become ten is going to become twenty is going to become two hundred and then you’re going to die alone and absolutely nobody will bat an eye. You come looking for advice and can’t even describe yourself without coming off like the epitome of passivity. At this point I actually feel sorry for any girl who gives you a chance because it’d be more like dating a small dog in a cute little sailor suit than an actual person.

You cater endlessly to the needs of others while ignoring your own. Then you chalk it up to being a nice guy and come here expecting positive reinforcement and pictures of sunshine.

Here you go ole’ chappychap.

Now it’s time the boohoo caboose is derailed by Maoist rebels and a whole slew of Indians die. Anything anyone says that doesn’t make you angry isn’t advice you should bother with. It’s going to push you further and further into the delusion that you’re anything other than a little black lamb that only gets calls when the prettier lambs need help with moving things or math homework.

You’re probably highly disinteresting, like so godawfully boring that you tell your finest moment to a girl and she instantly loses any shred of respect she may have had for you. Middle-class white suburbanite who did well in high school but never really fit in with any of the cliques and who was always friends with a girl he longed for but never made any sort of advance so she never really knew you existed? Maybe travelled to Europe or Cancun once after highschool and learned so many valuable things about life before returning to WoW and masturbating to boring porn? You meet new people, have one conversation that lasts ten minutes, and then they kind of stop responding to you and you have to fight the urge to ask them if they’re still at the keyboard, and when you finally do facebook says “xx is no longer online”?

Your ego is in shreds because you confuse confidence with cockiness and have to actually justify your looks as “not hideously ugly” on a text-based website where nobody can see you. You shy away from prolonged eye contact and freeze up when making small talk with the till clerk at Subway. Your proudest social moment probably evolves alcohol, bad music, and a few friends who either don’t talk with you anymore or who only talk when you initiate the conversation and then only stick to “HAHA I LIKE THE WEATHER. IT IS SUN.” because they don’t like you enough to learn your opinions on whatever it is you think you’re passionate about.

Here’s your advice, and I don’t expect you’ll follow it but maybe if I say “do it.” you will because you’re incapable of standing up for yourself.

Tomorrow you’re going to call one of those six girls, whichever one you like the most. You’re not going to sound angry, nor are you going to sound dejected. You’re just going to sound like Buzz fucking Aldrin because he’s a better man than you. Here’s what you’re going to say:

“Bzzztttt, Captain Aldrin to cute girl. Cute girl, come in. Tonight we’re doing dinner and I’ll pick you up at eight. Captain Aldrin, over.”

Why are you going to phrase it like a NASA voice transmission? Because it’s better than “so umm… hi would yOu l..wold, HAHA WOLD I MEANT WOULD, like t-t-to go to dinner please? no? okay…”, and of course that’s your go-to because you’ve tried six different times to form a relationship and ended up as a footstool in all of them.

Now you’re going to think about one thing you really like. Does she like it as well? If not, think of another thing. Don’t you dare think about HAHAUNIVERSITYISFUN^_^ or any uninteresting quip about the weather or your CS major. Brush up on this thing, make it sound interesting in a mirror, and then read up on Buzz Aldrin so you know just who you’re supposed to be tonight.

That’s right. You’re going to dinner as Buzz Aldrin. Why? Because I told you to. Do it. Wear a nice shirt, take a shower, shave your face unless you’re one of the few guys who looks good in facial hair (which you probably aren’t, mr. “not hideously ugly”). Clean your house, your car, and brush your teeth twice (once in the morning and once at 19:30) followed by a proper rinse.

Take her to a restaurant that features a cuisine that isn’t hollywood romantic or typically American. No chain restaurants- I swear to god I will hunt you down with a sniper rifle if you take a date to TGI Fridays just to put you out of your misery. Maybe go to a local Russian place or a nice Korean barbecue- anything that sets you apart from other guys. Hell, Ethiopian is fucking delicious and nobody even knows that Ethiopians have food.

Make eye contact, smile slyly, chew with your mouth closed, and mind your legs so you don’t bump the table with them. If you’re going the chivalry route, do it like it’s nothing. Make jokes that you find funny, keep a good conversation pace, and say something interesting about the restaurant’s cuisine. Think of yourself as Buzz Aldrin, and immediately go back to that persona if you slip up and find yourself in a bout of awkward silence.

After that, take her for a walk in a park if it’s warm out or ask her to come watch a movie at your place if it’s not. Simple, cheap, and a chance to get closer to her. From there, pace any physical contact well. No “oh shi she looked at me BEND OVER AND FACE DOVER”. Be assertive but not overbearing.

If you don’t get at least a kiss by the end of this date, go through the rest of the girls until you do. If none of them work out, you’re doing something wrong and should write off women until you’re as interesting as Buzz Aldrin.

I just spent ten minutes writing this out. If you puss out and stay a bitch, I’m not even going to follow you around half-assedly and remind you to be a man because quite frankly you’re just not worth the effort. Houston to Captain Aldrin, godspeed. Over and out.

It’s been a few months since your mother and I split up. Since then you and I have moved to Florida, and bounced around between my mothers house… my fathers house… and johns house.
Life has been rough, yet rewarding. You have met new friends, and had experiences you wouldn’t have had if we had stayed in South Carolina. So far I haven’t regretted the move in the slightest.

So… Here is where I need to update you a little bit.

About a month ago i had to go back to South Carolina to solve a problem your mother was having with a friend of hers… During that time i learned that shortly after we left your mother started seeing the man she cheated on me with, again. they built a quasi-relationship, and then she broke up with him… for reasons im sure you will hear about later on… if you ask that is.
Your mother and i started talking… like humans… like adults… something we hadn’t done in a very long time. We laid our issues out on the table and solved a lot of the problems we had been having for the past few years.
Most of those problems had to do with us lying to each other. I had been lying about how i found out your mother cheated on me… and she had been lying about various aspects of their relationship.
We both came clean… We told each other the full truth, and in the process became friends again.
Knowing that most issues were resolved i felt comfortable coming back to Florida… so i packed and prepared to leave… then your great grandfather passed away.

I’m going to stop for a second and tell you some things about your great grandfather… these are things that i never want you to forget.
He loved you, possibly more than he loved anyone else. He once said that you were the only member of the family that hadnt lied to or stolen from him… you made him happy whenever you were around.
Two days before he died i spent a few hours talking with him, he asked about you… looked through some pictures, watched some videos, smiled, laughed… it was amazing. Before I left for the day he asked me to bring him some cheetos.

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “I could use some cheetos”

I spent the next night sitting at the nursing home with him… all night.
Every breath he took scared the shit out of me… i was afraid it would be his last…
Though…
He died the next night… while me, your mother, and her friend bradlee were eating taco bell and talking about bradlees boyfriend, and his commitment issues.

My mother brought you down with her for the funeral… you went to the viewing, and while everyone was crying, you were playing with dale earnhardt and a kyle petty hot wheels cars.
I will never forget the irony of watching you push a dale earnhardt car into the wall of a funeral home.

You met every member of your family that night. Everyone loved you.

I’m getting side tracked… back to my story.

After your great grandfather passed I was forced to stay in South Carolina for a few weeks, and during that time your mother and I decided to try and work out our problems and bring our family back together again.
Your mother decided to move to Florida so that we could all be together, but… the move is going to take her a few months…

So now I am here with you, and she is there with Bailey… and the separation is causing problems.

You see… I still have trust issues… Everyone i talk to says that is completely normal… and i think so too, the problem is my issues are causing me to act very paranoid.. and frankly like an ass.
For a long time during the arguments your mother and I had, I would feel so ashamed of myself… and the situation our family was in, that i would say things that were mean to your mom. I would remind her of what she did, and how it destroyed our family, and how it was all her fault. When in reality… none of that was true.

Relationship problems are never one sided… no one person is ever fully at fault. Our family split up… and that was as much my fault as it was hers… It took me a long time to realize that.
So now i am used to arguments… I expect every one of our conversations to lead to an argument, and i get very defensive. Hell… I start most of our arguments. I don’t mean to… I don’t mean to make your mother feel bad. I’m just sort of used to that. I’m used to her hurting me… then me hurting her back.

Let me tell you this… your mother has hurt enough.

Believe it or not but there was a time in our relationship where your mother and I had never argued… never raised our voices, never even really disagreed.
I want to get back to that point… but before i can do that I need to be able to see your mother the same way i used to. As a beautiful, perfect partner. A strong, kind, and loving mother.
To do that i have to let go of the past.
And as of today… that is what i will do.

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My grandmother died before she could meet you… and i regret that…. because she would have adored you. You would have been able to know her love. The warmth that only she could provide. If only she had not been a smoker.
At this point, everyone in your life is a smoker. your parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts.
Yes, even me.

I don’t want you to have to feel that you lost someone too soon.
So, as i am writing this i am smoking my last cigarette.

I am quitting because i love you, and want to be in your life for a very long time. I hope that i am not too late.

Though if something should happen, know that everything will still be alright.